No one can say for certain how the Dr. Lap Tri Club began. The most repeated account holds that Dr. Lap was a renowned Chicago OB/GYN who, sometime in the 90s, laced up a pair of running shoes and set out on the Chicago Avenue Track. Somewhere between threshold sets, he is said to have made a vow: he would never again perform under pressure like so many he had seen in his profession.
He passed this wisdom to a band of loyal and devoted followers, who took it to heart. To this day they compete with the ferocity of Olympic finalists at events of no consequence whatsoever. The neighborhood turkey trot, the untimed charity 5K, the Crivitz Beer Mile. Where the stakes are lowest, the Club gives the most.
Dr. Lap's present whereabouts are unknown. But his teaching, his work ethic, and his Rules live on in every member who lines up to take things far, far too seriously.
THEORY ONE
‘Dr. Lap’ was a typo on a 1996 race registration form. The club has been honoring it ever since. The original form has never been produced.[citation needed]
THEORY TWO
First sighted walking out of Lake Michigan in a wetsuit two sizes too small and nip guards two sizes too large, holding a clipboard. No witnesses ever saw him again.[citation needed]
THEORY THREE
A traveling OB/GYN who discovered transition areas in the mid-90s and quietly reinterpreted the phrase “on call.” Hospital records are sealed, which proves nothing, which is exactly what he’d want.[citation needed]
THEORY FOUR
[content redacted] [content redacted] …rotisserie chicken.[citation needed]
SOMETIME IN THE 1990s
The vow, allegedly. Chicago Avenue Track.
2008
The Jewel-Osco Non-Event (logged per protocol).
2018
The Orange Slice. Independently confirmed missing.
2024
The Frostbite Incident. He did not stay for pie.
2025
Whereabouts: unknown. Training load: presumed enormous.
EXHIBIT A
22 FEB 2008
A member reported a man in a faded Leon's Fastest Tri T-Shirt visibly timing himself in the self-checkout line. On closer inspection it was a different man, of a different height, holding a rotisserie chicken. The club has logged the sighting anyway, per protocol.
EXHIBIT B
28 NOV 2024
An unregistered cyclist in a full aero helmet performed a flying dismount at the finish of a race that featured no bicycle, and declined the participation medal on the grounds that it "had not earned it." His hand-written bib number was 00. He did not stay for pie.
[LOCATION UNCONFIRMABLE]
10 SEP 2018
A volunteer swears the man who took the last orange slice and walked off toward the lake was the same man from the Dr. Lap photographs, "only calmer." No other volunteer saw him. The missing orange slice was, however, independently confirmed. [citation needed]